I want….

Ok, so this post is going to get expose me a little. I joke around with my friends that I’m not ready,  that I have schooling to do, or the fact that Ali and I are “still young” and we still have places to travel to. Or how I tease and say ” I will have them when we are able to see them like we do with shark egg sacs…in a lab”…but in all actuality…I want…..a child.


*deep breath out*

I want a child. I can’t believe I am about to cry. Anytime I admit to myself that I want a child, I start to tear up. The reason for my tears is that Ali and I have yet to conceive despite me not being on birth control, tracking my * ok crying now* ovulation, and not using protection.

I’m not a spring chicken anymore, I will be 28 this year and with this sudden realization that we have yet to have a child…it SCARES me more than anything. I mean WHAT IF I can’t conceive. WHAT IF I will be one of those women that just can’t….The idea scares me but I try and take it with stride.

I feel so INADEQUATE when I get my period each month, its as if its MOCKING ME showing me I can’t do what other women SO EASILY can. I use to do social work and despite having to “be neutral” I slowly LOST RESPECT for women who would give up their children SO EASILY. I remember a mother that NEVER SHOWED for her visit with her six month old child…..IT BROKE MY HEART. Did the mother not realize how BLESSED she was for  being able to conceive? Did the mother not realize how SELFISH she was being choosing herself over her child? UGH. I digress. I had another client who popped out FIVE kids AND GAVE THEM ALL UP. Like they MEANT NOTHING. I asked  her once, ” Are you not willing to fight for your children? I mean you GREW them for nine months. That in itself is a miracle” Her response? ” Someone else will take better care of them…but I do want more” EXCUSE ME WHAT? I was BLOWN AWAY. She wanted to have MORE CHILDREN but thought someone else could take better care of the first FIVE? AGAIN…UGH.

I haven’t always wanted children.  It has been a growing desire since I met ALI….the idea of him being a father makes me so happy. I can picture it. HE WOULD MAKE SUCH AN AMAZING FATHER. It takes more than just a man to make a father.Anyone can be a dad, but it takes a SPECIAL PERSON to be a father. Our marriage is happy, sure it’s not perfect, we have SUPER MINOR issues (like toilet seat type or oh I forgot to take out the trash bins on trash day type) and I do not think I have EVER been this happy or blessed. The idea that someone could make ME, a woman with some of the highest standards my friends know, be THIS content  makes me ask God ” I have no idea what I did but THANK YOU”.

I have only told a select few people, but I have started to collect baby items. Both boy and girl. I have a PINTREST board of what I want for our future babies…yet here I am…barren. I know, I know, I need to just TRUST IN GOD that He will provide. I KNOW. But sometimes, it is just SO HARD. I keep telling myself ” Lahaina, it’s not time. God will let  you know when it’s time” but then I see others with kids…I see others who SHOULDN’T HAVE kids…SAY IT WITH ME…UGH.

If we haven’t conceived by 30 we will try IV. If IV doesn’t work we will see about a surrogate. If a surrogate does not work, we will adopt. We were going to adopt regardless, but                the idea that I may not be able to have children (naturally) makes me feel like a FAILURE AS A WOMAN. I use to joke around with friends saying that I’m so tough I should have been a man…but the idea of being a failure as a woman because I can not conceive is difficult for me. I know there are millions of women out there that may have felt like this at one point in their lives until they came to accept that they were unable to conceive. I just have to TRUST it will happen eventually.

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