Dear Brother

I hope you realize you are worth more than you think you are. You deserve better than what she would have provided you. A woman is not suppose to stay home all day, do nothing, and have you come home to a messy house, with no appreciation to show towards you. I hope you realize that your hard work is noticed and that I am so proud of the man you are striving to be. I am sorry you think you have to work as hard as you are, I tried encouraging you to go back to school, but you didn’t want me to push. Yes, I see your struggle. Yes, it DOES bother me that you and our family are so far from me, that I can’t simple hop in the car at a simple call without having to take leave. I think about you often and what you are doing for the family. I hope that you one day realize that I am working hard to secure the future of the family and it isn’t just for me.

I want you to know that all the hard work you are doing is of your own making, and I a PROUD of you for taking your own route. You wanted to get out of my shadow, and for you the only way to do that was to never do anything like me. So, with that in mind, your life was hard….but you chose that route and I am proud you made it your own. It kills me to see you struggle the way you do, but take pride in knowing that it is making you stronger.

Your words hurt me, calling me selfish. You don’t realize that when you were kicked out of the house I worked three jobs and went to two schools full time just to get the degree I have now. You don’t realize that I struggled buying food at the 99 cents store just to make sure you had shoes, shirts, or anything you might have asked me for. You don’t realize that you were the reason I worked so hard. I wanted to you to have a better life, for us to have a better life. I guess you just didn’t see it that way. I am sorry.

I wish you would realize that I love you more than you will ever know, and despite you saying I never did anything for you, I hope you look back and think just how many times I was there for you. Helping you isn’t “when it’s convenient for me” it’s my duty as your older sister. I do my best with what I have. Didn’t you ever realize that I am just a phone call away? Didn’t you ever realize that the pride you have when it comes to asking for something makes it harder to be there for you?

I hope you learn that your hostility and pride will be the reason you lose out in life. Stop acting as if everyone shit in your coffee every morning. The world doesn’t owe you shit. You have to fight for it in a smart way, not the hard way. Do you remember when all I had to do for you was to get into a full class was to make a phone call? How you were IN for that EMT class….but you never showed up. Getting that call from the professor I pulled strings with to get you in….and you didn’t show up. Instead you decide to drop out, all that potential down the drain. I still have hope that one day you will go back to school.

I hope and pray that you one day are able to let go of whatever it is that is holding you back….AND LIVE. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of you and wish you all the happiness in the world. I hope that you are able to read this and not get mad because it is things that need to be said. If you never end up reading this, then that’s fine too. Just know that I love you and whatever happens in life I am honored to be your sisterbro.jpg

Government Hiring Freeze….

So, my husband and I are moving overseas this year. I am currently looking at contracted jobs with the military bases over there and even had an interview request ….BEFORE the Trump administration….Last night I received an email that stated as follows:

Dear Lahaina ,

Thank you for applying for a position with Marine Corps Community Services . Per the Presidential Memorandum regarding the Hiring Freeze that was issued on January 22, 2017, all Federal civilian positions are currently on a hiring freeze. At this time, your application is on hold until further guidance is received from higher headquarters.

We appreciate your patience and understanding during this process.

Is this what this country has come to? Did the Trump administration FREEZE all contracting jobs?!?!ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I do not want to be one of those military wives that stay home…I CANT be military wife that stays home…I would go CRAZY. Nothing wrong with wives that stay home, but my drives and goals in life are not equivalent to me staying home. I can’t go from what I am doing now, to staying home…I would implode.

Positive vibes, prayers, and hugs are welcomed in this trying time. I have six months until we move…hopefully I can either solidify myself somewhere or I just might have to stay….

Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children

How. Could. They!!!!!!!!!! So I am currently reading the series (on the second one) and decide to rent the movie of the first one. HOW DISAPPOINTING!!!!!Not only are the actors sub-par but they didn’t even put in EFFORT! ugh. From the actors to the storyline…It does not even look like they will be making another movie! The second one would be AMAZING as a movie!

Am I the only one upset about this sad excuse of a movie? UGH.

Oh Barnes and Noble How I Love Thee

Oh Barnes and Noble how I love thee!!! Let me count the ways….I swear I can spend ours surrounded by books. OK it is not just B&N but libraries and cafe shops that are hipster enough to have libraries in them!

My “adopted” daughter turned 13 today, and other than taking her to Sephora to buy some make up “officially” (face powder and mascara) my husband and I took her to Barnes and Noble. I love my daughter. She is one of the reasons I want children. The fact that she has her own mother and father but comes to me and my husband and treats us like her parents more than her parents makes us feel special. It will be the hardest thing to do…leave her here with her biological family, but hopefully they let her come during summer! THAT would be so much fun! Evie means so much to us.

Anyway…I digress. So she bought FIVE books. She really is our daughter….more into books than other things. In a world where her imagination runs free and can take her away from the other five children in the house. It’s her refuge. I love the idea that she loves books and I hope she NEVER loses her love for them.

Time to Myself

I have made it a part of my nightly routine to read alone in the room before bed. I feel that I have lost my love of reading DEEP down in the recess of my soul, and this saddens me. My love for books was with me since childhood and the fact that my “to read” pile grows larger than my “read” pile over the years bothers me more than I care to admit. Reading lifts the mood, takes me away from the hustle and bustle of the world, and allows me to just be me…my bookish, fashion, crafty, sing-song, ME. I told myself I would read or listen to at LEAST 24 books this month. 24…a minuscule number compared to my years in primary and high school. There are so many books I want to REREAD! ugh. I am going through my Goodreads account and knowing that I set a goal…just makes me want to out do myself! Thus far this month I have read three. I am almost done with two  others (despite it being books I have ought to have finished by now)…Slowly but surely I will start to make more time to read, for now, with everything going on, I am just luck enough to be able to read before bed.

I want….

Ok, so this post is going to get expose me a little. I joke around with my friends that I’m not ready,  that I have schooling to do, or the fact that Ali and I are “still young” and we still have places to travel to. Or how I tease and say ” I will have them when we are able to see them like we do with shark egg sacs…in a lab”…but in all actuality…I want…..a child.

THERE. I. SAID. IT.

*deep breath out*

I want a child. I can’t believe I am about to cry. Anytime I admit to myself that I want a child, I start to tear up. The reason for my tears is that Ali and I have yet to conceive despite me not being on birth control, tracking my * ok crying now* ovulation, and not using protection.

I’m not a spring chicken anymore, I will be 28 this year and with this sudden realization that we have yet to have a child…it SCARES me more than anything. I mean WHAT IF I can’t conceive. WHAT IF I will be one of those women that just can’t….The idea scares me but I try and take it with stride.

I feel so INADEQUATE when I get my period each month, its as if its MOCKING ME showing me I can’t do what other women SO EASILY can. I use to do social work and despite having to “be neutral” I slowly LOST RESPECT for women who would give up their children SO EASILY. I remember a mother that NEVER SHOWED for her visit with her six month old child…..IT BROKE MY HEART. Did the mother not realize how BLESSED she was for  being able to conceive? Did the mother not realize how SELFISH she was being choosing herself over her child? UGH. I digress. I had another client who popped out FIVE kids AND GAVE THEM ALL UP. Like they MEANT NOTHING. I asked  her once, ” Are you not willing to fight for your children? I mean you GREW them for nine months. That in itself is a miracle” Her response? ” Someone else will take better care of them…but I do want more” EXCUSE ME WHAT? I was BLOWN AWAY. She wanted to have MORE CHILDREN but thought someone else could take better care of the first FIVE? AGAIN…UGH.

I haven’t always wanted children.  It has been a growing desire since I met ALI….the idea of him being a father makes me so happy. I can picture it. HE WOULD MAKE SUCH AN AMAZING FATHER. It takes more than just a man to make a father.Anyone can be a dad, but it takes a SPECIAL PERSON to be a father. Our marriage is happy, sure it’s not perfect, we have SUPER MINOR issues (like toilet seat type or oh I forgot to take out the trash bins on trash day type) and I do not think I have EVER been this happy or blessed. The idea that someone could make ME, a woman with some of the highest standards my friends know, be THIS content  makes me ask God ” I have no idea what I did but THANK YOU”.

I have only told a select few people, but I have started to collect baby items. Both boy and girl. I have a PINTREST board of what I want for our future babies…yet here I am…barren. I know, I know, I need to just TRUST IN GOD that He will provide. I KNOW. But sometimes, it is just SO HARD. I keep telling myself ” Lahaina, it’s not time. God will let  you know when it’s time” but then I see others with kids…I see others who SHOULDN’T HAVE kids…SAY IT WITH ME…UGH.

If we haven’t conceived by 30 we will try IV. If IV doesn’t work we will see about a surrogate. If a surrogate does not work, we will adopt. We were going to adopt regardless, but                the idea that I may not be able to have children (naturally) makes me feel like a FAILURE AS A WOMAN. I use to joke around with friends saying that I’m so tough I should have been a man…but the idea of being a failure as a woman because I can not conceive is difficult for me. I know there are millions of women out there that may have felt like this at one point in their lives until they came to accept that they were unable to conceive. I just have to TRUST it will happen eventually.

Under the weather

So Ursula paid me a visit this past week and took my voice. I just want to say that my husband is AMAZING. He heard me trying to talk and “restart” my voice, but it was a no go. He knocked on the bathroom door and was like “Babe, I have cough drops in my backpack, take them with you ok?” Me: You are the best honey Ali: what? Oh wait dont repeat that you dont have a voice I got it.  UGH I love him! The joy he fills me with is AMAZING. BUT WAIT! there is more! I get home and not only did he get me my favorite Panera soup (chicken and wild rice) but he also bought me cough drops, AND MADE ME TEA! Lord blessed me with such an amazing man and I CAN’T THANK GOD ENOUGH! HE IS SO GOOD! With the help of God and my husband I am positive my voice will come back. Blessings!